Four Years...A Journey

I believe God has been refining and preparing me for four years. I am in the midst of a looooong period of growth, a never ending character building exercise orchestrated by God. I imagine that His plan was meant to take half the time it's taking, but when you are dealing with a stubborn woman like myself who likes to control everything and do everything her own prideful way, the refinement takes a little longer I suppose. I don't know when this period will be over, but I am determined to have faith that the most amazing result is going to come out of nowhere and dramatically transform my life. It won't be what I think, when I think, or how I think, but I do know that my faith needs to increase until that time comes.

Recently, I was asked if I am a new follower of Jesus Christ. That question hurt my heart so much because I know that how I led my life for years, it appears that way. A Christian is not consumed with pleasing herself or others, she is consumed with pleasing God. But in a way, it makes me happy because I believe she has seen a change in me over the past year. A change that reflects a true believer.

I have been a follower of Jesus Christ for 15 years. Since that day, there have been amazing periods of growth in my relationship with Him, but I confess that I rarely gave my days to God or asked Him what He thought was best for me. I lacked discipline, and I lacked faith. But God loves me, and He knows what's best, so He gave me so many gifts and opportunities for many years in spite of my disobedience. He has been shaping me into the woman I am purposed to become. His most amazing blessing is my husband Michael who was made for me and who was made to lead me. I don't thank God enough for His perfect gift. Marrying Michael was the second best decision I've ever made. The best decision was of course accepting Jesus as my savior in a junior high school classroom years ago.

I was a daughter of Jesus Christ, but I only had faith in myself for so long. I led my life on my own terms and according to my schedule. I controlled everything! As a very young girl, I developed an "achievement attitude" as I like to call it. I began to believe that the acceptance of others was extremely important, and as long as I looked good on the outside then life was good. Though there is nothing wrong with doing well and working towards achievement, as I got older, my identity morphed into the labels these awards carried with them. I lost myself because I worked so hard to achieve more and more, and I became consumed with the approval of my parents and of others. I belived that my appearance, status, grades, scholarships, awards, titles, and accomplishments were my identity. I dreamt about being successful, having lots of money, and being someone some day. It's funny though because I had no clue what being "someone" even meant.

I didn't live like this on purpose. I thought I was doing everything right. I thought I was happy. I was able to keep my parents from paying for a college education they couldn't afford, I was given many wonderful leadership opportunites, and I was given the chance of a lifetime to travel abroad. I had a great group of friends, and I had Michael. None of this would have been possible without my need to excel; however, a false sense of pride developed over the years as I continually put faith in myself and in the approval of others and believed it was me and my own hard work that accomplished so much. I was a Christian, a daughter of Jesus Christ, and there were numerous moments in my life when I should have been on my knees with tears rolling down my face thanking Him for everything. Instead, I continued to trust in myself and in my visions of the future while I relished in the achievements of my past.

Four years ago, the awards stopped, the economy tanked, and the real world reared its ugly head. No one was begging for a writer or a creative thinker to come work for them. Life had become about the bottom line. My life was about to change. If you know me and have read my blog since it's beginning, you know that four years ago I was diagnosed with panic disorder, anxiety, and depression. I became so debilitated by this diagnosis. In my head, I went from "Achiever" to "Panicked Loser." Because my identity was wrapped into all I had accomplished, once all of the awards were gone, my identity became about depression and anxiety. I became anxiety, and it consumed my life. All I could think about was what are people going to think of me? Look at who I was and look at who I am now. I must say I can laugh at this now because I was so prideful! I was so convinced that I was above depression and anxiety. How could I have gone from speaking in front of hundreds of people as an ambassador overseas to barely being able to get out of bed and function in an office of three people without pills?

I see now that my diagnosis was the beginning of His refinement. I call it His "Big Humbling Experience." See that's the thing with pride, He had to do something so huge because my prideful nature was out of control. Pride is so Satanic that it creates this false sense of security in yourself and in others, yet the whole time you are so insecure because you have no clue who you really are. I am convinced that all prideful human beings are the most insecure people on the planet. I speak from experience! But we learn to live like this because our world is all about feeling good and living for ourselves. We don't think it's wrong to make our own decisions. It's what we know. Essentially, most of us walk around as our own gods. It's not until God gives us the "Big Humbling Experience" that we figure out how wrong we were.

I can say these things four years later, but for 2 1/2 years I kicked and screamed. I was angry. I blamed everyone and everything I could blame for my anxiety. I was a victim. I was difficult to be around. I didn't want much to do with God. I was jealous of others who were successful and happy. In 2008 and 2009, I experienced some of the worst events of my life, yet I still depended on myself and on others first. You would think I would have learned to surrender, but Satan did not want to let go!

When we moved to Birmingham almost two years ago, I didn't know how much my life would change. Unfortunately, I had a rocky start with a dream job that was going to make me "someone," yet again it became another humbling experience. I was miserable for 7 months, but this ultimately led me to surrender. I thought we moved to Birmingham for my job, but we moved to Birmingham for God. His spirit is all over this city! I have never experienced a place like this! He has done amazing things in me here, and I am finally discovering who I am and starting to believe I am who He says I am.

I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am like no one else, and that's a great thing! I am His and His only. I am free! I am free to love, free to be real, free to be weird, and free to grow. I am not an award. I am not a diagnosis.

I thought all of my accomplishments made me somebody. They don't make me anybody. But what I am faithfully believing is that He is going to use every accomplishment and every plan that I selfishly made and work it for good in my life, and He is going to transform me into the somebody I never thought I could be! You have no idea how far I've come through His grace to be able to say that! I never thought I would be so grateful for His "Big Humbling Experience."

We are meant to be in a perpetual state of growth, continually moving toward our destiny to be like Christ. I will continually struggle with putting faith in God and not in myself, I will struggle with fear, and I will struggle with gaining acceptance from others. The marvelous miracle about Christianity is that I am free from being perfect, God's grace covers all of my imperfections.

It has been on my heart to share my journey for a while now. I look forward to sharing more. Thank you for reading.

"And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them." Romans 8:28