I went up a size...

I honestly can't believe I'm writing about this, but something amazing happened to me on Monday. I bought a pair of jeans in a bigger size! I should be feeling mortified about this, and I promise you, a year or a few years ago, I would have been mortified, but not anymore and it feels good. Here's the back story. I have two pairs of beloved jeans that I bought around the same time Michael and I got married almost four years ago. They were the smallest pair of jeans I had ever bought and because of this, I had to buy them. I could only fit into them because I was 23 and my body was a product of the latest diet and exercise craze, water pills, and pre-wedding stress. I guess you might say I looked my best back then if looking your best means weighing in at an all time low. I may have looked good, but I'm pretty sure I was hungry and I know I wasn't healthy. I was able to wear those jeans for a while, and I used them as a goal to measure my weight. As long as I could fit into them, I was happy. But fitting into them soon meant lying down on the bed, holding my breath and tugging to get them over my butt or wearing loose shirts to hide my love handles spilling over the top, and I don't even have love handles! Last winter, they were rediculously tight but I wore them victoriously. But about six months ago, I couldn't get the damn things buttoned. I remember that night well. It was followed by a few tears and insults in which I told myself how fat and gross I was! Of course I set out to fit back into my jeans again, but this time I vowed to no yo-yo dieting and no pills. I have been exercising 4-5 times a week, eating healthy and cooking at home, limiting alcohol, taking vitamins, and drinking tons of water. I feel really good, and I am proud of myself. I am more active than I have been in a long time, and I have so much energy. My skin looks better, and I feel more toned. And I've grown closer to Michael in the process because we do a lot of this together, which is so great for our marriage. So.....feeling better than I have in a while, I tried my jeans back on. They were easier to get on than the last time, but they are still way too tight. They just weren't working for me anymore. I admit I was frustrated at first because I secretly hoped they would slide on, but I didn't allow myself to freak out. Instead, I threw in the towel and accepted reality. I decided to go jeans shopping on Monday. To my surprise, I literally had an epiphany right there in the dressing room. I found a great pair of skinny jeans, and they feel amazing! I can breathe and move, and they look good with everything! No more loose fitting shirts for me! I haven't felt this good in my jeans in a while, and I don't care that I went up a size. Do you hear me, I don't care at all! I realized I am not 23 anymore. I am 27, and I have curves that weren't there four years ago. I am a woman, and I am beautiful. I can't even explain how I felt at that moment because of those jeans. I was so happy to have my body, and I didn't even care about my old jeans anymore and my struggle to wear them comfortably again. My 27 year old body is healthier than my 23 old body anyway. It's more feminine, it's stronger, and it's confident. It is such a relief to just let go of the numbers on the scale and the size on the tag. Who cares? What should matter is how well you can move, how strong you feel, how clean your insides are, and how well your body works for you. I am the size I am supposed to be. No more killing myself to be thinner than I am. I know some of you may be reading this thinking what in the hell is she talking about, she is thin. My point to all of this is that no matter how thin someone is, there is always this need to be thinner. Blame it on whoever you want, but we are all made to feel that the skinnier we are the better we will be, no matter what we do to get there. I'm just saying that it's stupid to do this to ourselves! I'm healthier than I've been in years, but I can't fit into those jeans, so what does that say? I realized all of this in a dressing room when I went up a size....